Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road?

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A friend set this to me, asking me if he was the last person to read this important philosophical essay. Well, apparently not, because I have never read this, either. But I found it amusing anyway.


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from day one that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions bit it is true that I was for it before I was against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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About GrrlScientist

grrlscientist is the pseudonym of an evolutionary biologist and ornithologist who writes about evolution, ethology, and ecology, especially in birds. After earning a degree in microbiology (thesis focus: virology) and working at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, she earned her PhD in zoology from the University of Washington in Seattle, where she studied the molecular correlates of testosterone and behaviour in white-crowned sparrows. She then worked a Chapman Postdoctoral Fellow at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City, where she studied the speciation and distribution of lories and other parrots throughout the South Pacific Islands. A discarded scientist, she returned to her roots: writing. Formerly hosted by The Guardian (UK), she now writes about science for Forbes and for the non-profit think tank, the Evolution Institute and she writes podcasts for BirdNote Radio. An avid lifelong birder and aviculturist, she lives with a flock of songbirds and parrots somewhere in Germany.
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0 Responses to Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road?

  1. PokerFace says:

    Gallagher: The chicken saw me coming with my Sledge-O-Matic.

  2. dean says:

    I saw a list like this several years ago. The response from “Noam Chomsky” was hilarious, and amazingly representative of his writings.

  3. stephenk says:

    Obviously:
    To get to the other side.
    Alternatively:
    To see Gregory Peck (that’s old).
    or
    For some foul reason.
    or
    Why did the little chicken cross the road _softly_?
    Cos’ it was just hatchded and couldn’t walk _hardly_
    (well I thought it was funny when I was about 10)
    And finally
    http://toohardtodo.blogspot.com/2008/03/why-did-chicken-cross-road.html

  4. chezjake says:

    The chicken crossed the road to show the possum/skunk/armadillo (your choice) that it can be done.

  5. Bob O'H says:

    This could be done for your Sciblings too:
    Orac: To get its Friday dose of woo.
    Physioprof: Who ****ing cares why the ****ing chicken crossed the road?
    PZ: It was deluded (or worse). There is nothing on the other side.
    Chad Orzel: I don’t know, but here’s a photo of Steelykid. Emmy says it must have teleported.
    Bora: Here are 37 links to previous blog posts on the matter.
    John Wilkins: I’m only a philosopher, so I can’t tell you but this was discussed by these obscure 19th Century authors, none of whom were essentialists.
    And finally,
    Grrl’s readers: To get a better view of this bird, and find out what the heck it is.

  6. “Chicken” is a folk taxonomic category that lends itself to essentialism. The correct question is “Why did the specimen of Gallus gallus cross the road?” Come to think of it, is “road” a natural category as well, or is it folk geography?

  7. The chicken crossed the road because “crossing the road” is an autosomal dominant trait often found in Rhode Island red chickens.
    The polymorphism that’s associated with the “crossing the road” phenotype has yet to be mapped, but the chicken genome has been sequenced so we’re all breathlessly waiting for the genetic test.
    We’re also tired of the bioassay. Too many chickens are getting flattened out there on the highway.

  8. Bob O'H says:

    We’re also tired of the bioassay.

    Whereas the chickens are just tyred.

  9. scicurious says:

    Freud: The chicken crossed the road because it had underlying issues with the mother figure in its life. These underlying issues pre-hatching were demonstrated in the dreams the chicken constantly had of crossing the road, resulting in sexual dysfunction. Only once the chicken has crossed the road and confronted its mother can its ego and id be allied.

  10. Mr. SiT says:

    Gygax: The chicken rolled a natural 20 on his road-crossing check.