I got this email during the wee hours and thought I’d share it with you (with my editorial rewrites);
Dear Red States:
We’re leaving. We will form our own country and we’re taking all the other Blue States with us. If you aren’t aware, the Blue States include California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. Even Florida and Ohio are seriously considering joining us — we’ve given them until November 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to both newly-formed nations, and we know we’d be happier and we sincerely think you will be happier after this split, too. Since we’re leaving all the middle states behind, we’re giving our nation a new name; United America, or simply the UA.
To briefly summarize: You Red Staters get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty while you can keep Dollywood. You get Ted Nugent; we’re keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom; we get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole’ Miss, and we get Harvard and 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You can have Alabama. That leaves us with two-thirds of all tax revenue, so now you have to pay your fair share — for a change.
Since the collective divorce rate in the Blue States is 22 percent lower than in the Christian Coalition’s Red States, we will end up with a bunch of happy families, while you are stuck with a bunch of single moms and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers in the former USA. Oh, and don’t forget that the UA will be both pro-choice and anti-war, so we’re going to demand that all our citizens return from Iraq immediately. If you Red Staters need people to bomb Iraq, ask your evangelicals for help with this. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and none of you seem to care if pictures of your dead children’s caskets coming home are suppressed. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up, really, we do, but we’re not willing to waste our resources and our future in Bush’s Quagmire any longer. We’d rather invest in taking care of sick people and educating our children.
As a result of this split, the Blue States will control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and California condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. Unfortunately for you, Red States, you will have to deal with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, as well as hate-monger, Rush Limbaugh, and Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia, while we get to keep Hollywood and Yosemite.
As if that isn’t bad enough, 38 percent of the people living in the Red States believe that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless you’re killing innocent civilians in an illegal war, giving out the death penalty to Black American men or protecting your already too permissive gun laws; 44 percent of you say that evolution is not true; 53 percent of you believe that Saddam was involved in 9-11 and 61 percent of you wackaloon Reddies believe you have higher morals then we Blueies, despite loads of evidence to the contrary.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.